I was about to post this on my personal blog, but after writing this I asked the Lord for a title... "life275style" came to mind. I thought, what?? Then I remembered that Psalm 27 was the beginning of this little journey the past several days. And when I looked up the specific verse that had caught my attention, it was verse 5...thus life 27:5 style. God cracks me up!
I thought, maybe, I was just coming down off a sugar rush from all the delicious holiday candy I had eaten over the week. I sat in bed Christmas night and found myself in tears. Nothing terribly wrong. No drama or trauma in my life. As the last song on the cd played, I tuned into the line of the chorus..."do I trust You Lord?" That's when the tears came. Somewhere over the past month this tiny twinge of frustration had been growing in my heart. I think I was somewhat consciously aware of it...maybe? I just knew that I had a hard time focusing, I would get irritated rather easily, my compassion and patience towards others was rapidly dwindling. I knew something was off.
"God...I think I trust You," I blurted out. "The problem is You're not talking...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be trusting You for? Where did You go? You seem to have gone silent and unresponsive. Why won't You just come and meet with me? "
My heart grew heavy and stayed heavy the next few days. And again, since I'm not one to sit down and cry a lot, I chalked it up to the fact that I had eaten way too much sugar and so now I was just being an emotional and irrational girl.
(Funny how when we pray and ask the Lord for more of Him, or to open our eyes, or to help us...we sometimes totally miss the answer to our prayers. As in my case, I concluded it was sugar-detox, and so dismissed what was really going on in my heart.)
After a fun and productive Saturday, I settled in for the night. It was not very long before that somewhat sick feeling re-appeared in my heart.
"Ok, God. Let's talk. Is this You? I know over the past couple weeks, You've had me thinking through a lot. There are several things You've put Your finger on and said, "let go." I would think I should be experiencing peace, but I'm still find anxiety in my heart. Where are You?"
My questions were met by complete silence. Then after a few minutes Psalm 27 came to mind.
I picked up my Bible and read. I got to the verse about God being my shelter and immediately as I read that, something in my heart connected. verse 5-"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." I still had no idea what God was saying. But I knew it had something to do with God being my shelter. In the past, when I've pictured God being my shelter, I've always seen that in the context of comfort or rest. This night, for the first time, I saw His shelter as a place of protection. This was the first of the little bread crumbs I felt I was following.
"Ok. You'll protect me. Thank you." Somewhere in my heart that calmed an unidentifiable fear that was hanging out in the back of my mind. And with that, I went to bed.
Sunday morning was here! Yay! I get so excited about Sundays lately. I've really enjoyed Pastor Marc's sermon's lately. It seems that the past several weeks they have met me right where I'm at each Sunday. This Sunday, he talked about how God is our peace. He referred to God being our shelter. Hmm...that's my 'word for the day'...he had my attention. He then went on to add the next piece of bread crumb for me-- Shelter comes as we submit ourselves to the authority of God.
Authority. Just as the word 'Shelter' resonate within my heart, the word 'Authority' did as well. I went home deep in thought...continuing to ask God to expound on this.
"Lord, You have put Your finger on some areas of my life and I feel like You are asking a lot. And yes, I am willing to give these things to You. Typically when You ask me to surrender things people don't understand...some think I'm a bit ridiculous...in fact, God...some of Your requests of me cause me to feel a bit odd at times. However, You are promising to protect me. Ok. I think I'm good with that. But why do I still feel so disconnected from You? Won't You just come and sit and talk with me like You have so many times before? I'm getting so frustrated! Please continue to speak until I understand. Remove anything in my life that is a barrier to me experiencing You near again."
Sunday night, unexpectedly, a group of friends and I drove up to IHOP (International House of Prayer) in north Atlanta. On the way up, I mostly just stared out the window and prayed. "God, please confirm if all of these bread crumbs that I feel like I'm following are from You. I'm beginning to feel crazy. Something is 'off' inside of me and I am sick of this distance between us."
I sat in somewhat of a daze during worship...not really into singing "happy Jesus songs" when my heart was so heavy and yearning for a real answer from God.
The first guy got up. It seemed that he was going to preach. I thought, "Lord, I don't want to listen to him...he sounds boring. I need someone who has a word from You for me!" (can you see the state of my heart? very frustrated...judgmental...and all about me. But hey, that's where a heart goes that is disconnected from God.)
Next, a girl got up. She began preaching. I don't remember all of what she said, but she was the instrument God used to bring clarity and answers to my heart.
She shared a story...
Once upon a time there was a King. (Now, I won't re-tell the whole story here, so let me sum it up.) There was a King and a poor maiden. The King loved the maiden, married her, brought her to live in his castle. The maiden enjoyed the time she had with the King and the love they shared. One day, the King went off to do what a King does...conquer nations, win battles, etc. The maiden didn't very much like all of that. She wanted the King to stay home with her. Finally, one day, after the King had been absent awhile, she decided that the pain of separation was greater than the pain of being where her Lover was...out on the battlefield. So, the maiden went and joined him in his work as a King. The King promised to love and protect her. The End.
I felt as if a light went on in the dark perplexities of my heart. I am that maiden! I want the King to just sit and talk with me, and we can enjoy each other's company in the warm and cozy confines of my comfortable little life. However, my King has a different idea in mind. Not just an idea really, but a purpose. If I want to be with Him, I will have to embrace His lifestyle. His lifestyle must become my lifestyle. The cost of going with Him may be a lot; however, I am finding the pain of separation from the King is much more costly to my heart.
As I wrote in a previous blog...during easy times, apathy and self-centeredness can set in. This past year it was the King's purpose for us to spend time together in my cozy world...a time for refreshment. It seems, however, that now the King was moving onto another purpose and I was a bit comfy with my current way of life. It's been a long time since the Lord asked me to have a 'lifestyle' change. And when I talk of lifestyle, I don't mean moving again to China. Lifestyle change can be as simple as how you spend your time, who you hang out with, what you listen to, what you don't listen to, what you read, anything that is a normal part of your life. I typically end up in misery until I finally drop what I'm holding onto. (A lesson, I seem to have to repeat in life.) Some people may see this as God being mean; however, I see it as God being one who will do anything to restore the closeness between me and Him...even when it may hurt me. He doesn't harm me, but He may allow hurt in order to get me to readjust.
I laugh at myself because I would be the first to tell someone that we can't come to God on our own terms; however, it's only as of yesterday that I am reminded of what that means. It's not just for salvation, but for the entire Christian life...which has at the heart of it's purpose to know God. As John 17:3 states, "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." And to know someone intimately, it makes sense that you need to be where they are; therefore adjusting your life to theirs.
The pain of separation from Him is far greater to me than the pain of obedience. Thus, a new lifestyle is begun.
p.s...i think this is the longest blog ever. if you have read this far you get a sticker!
